Hello friends!
Anyone else talk to themselves and the household appliances whilst they clean? No? Just me? Welp, Christopher thought it was funny too, so here’s the transcripts of a few snippets he recorded from my latest cleaning day, hope you laugh as hard as I did. Don’t worry, Christmas content will be next week.
Ode to the Kirby (or Cleaning Plaster Dust Out of EVERYTHING)
“Alright, it’s been a minute, vacuum”
“Look, all we gotta do is work together, neither of us wanna do this all day”
“Why aren’t you going?”
“ROLL D*MM*T”
“Why the h*ll do you weigh so much?”
“Why? aren’t. you… oh wait, neutral, got it”
“Down, down, down, down…”
*vacuum chokes on rug*
“Too much! Calm down, I didn’t mean to suffocate you with the rug”
*pops the head up a level so it can breathe*
“Freaking need a license to run the vacuum”
“Let go of the rug. Let. Go. Of the. Rug”
“Fine! Eat the rug, see if I care!”
*bangs wall*
“Oops sorry.”
*bangs it again*
“Sorry, again.”
“How do I…”
“Ooh that spins”
“Does that move?” *clanking noise* “sh*t, yes it does”
“Hey Dad… no, no, house is fine, we’re fine… yea, no, hypothetically if I wanted to put the hose on the Kirby… *chorus of okays* …so the whole nose piece DOES come off…”
*waving the hose attachment wildly* “Come at me dust!”
*humming along to the vacuum*
“rooms gonna be SO clean”
*more humming*
“let go of the rug. Unhelpful”
“Oooh I can reach the top of the mirror!!”
*humming*
“Oh. But how do I know when it’s clean?”
*confused in 5 ft*
“Well that’s between God and the dust mites now”
*accidentally sucks up an earring* “welp…that might as well happen”
*aggressive mocking of the dust bunnies*
*accidentally sucks up pencil* “how even…”
*realizes why you don’t get plaster dust wet* “no it’s fine, I wanted to skim coat my entire floor”
*realizes I did the same thing to the desk* “…uuuhhhhmmm, welp….”
*panic kicks in and a mad dash is made to the kitchen for paper towels* “sh*t, sh*t, sh*t,sh*t…”
*aggressively mocks the plaster dust*
*bangs into wall* “okay, look, that one was partially on you” *bangs wall again* “okay, that one was me”
“I wonder…”
*pops Kirby into neutral whilst vacuuming and now can gently pull the body along while vacuuming with the hose*
“H*ll yes, just a genius over here”
*trips over rug the Kirby pulled along with it*
“Nope nevermind, just your garden variety idiot”
“Down, down, down, down…”
*vacuum chokes on the rug*
“Too much, I get it, I get it”
*accidentally sucks up earbud that mysteriously decided it didn’t wanna do its job anymore* “are you f****g serious?!”
“Hey Dad… no, no, house is still fine, we’re still fine… yea, no, hypothetically if i wanted to pull the bag off the Kirby…” *chorus of okays* “…no, no, gotcha, big mess, makes sense…”
*staring at giant pile of gross on the floor*
“a smarter human would have put cardboard down”
*disappointed sighing*
“But, we are not the smarter humans”
“Seriously, stop eating my rugs, you’re a 22 year old vacuum, you know better.”
Okay, I know it’s not the normal content, but I really did laugh at the fact my brother was so amused at my conversation with the vacuum, and I wanted to share something a little lighthearted since this time of year can be stressful. I can’t share the actual recordings because my sweet brother is a little self conscious of his adorable laugh, and he’s laughing at me through the whole recording.
Second point to note, I absolutely adore the Kirby, not sponsored or anything, but that vacuum is a workhorse and very versatile, and almost as old as I am with a way better work ethic. It’s just a little big and unwieldy for someone of my size (remember I stopped growing in the seventh grade).
Until we chat again my friends!
The Farmer's Blogger 