Look, Sometimes I Think I’m Funny…

Hello friends!

Anyone else talk to themselves and the household appliances whilst they clean? No? Just me? Welp, Christopher thought it was funny too, so here’s the transcripts of a few snippets he recorded from my latest cleaning day, hope you laugh as hard as I did. Don’t worry, Christmas content will be next week.

Ode to the Kirby (or Cleaning Plaster Dust Out of EVERYTHING)

“Alright, it’s been a minute, vacuum”

“Look, all we gotta do is work together, neither of us wanna do this all day”

“Why aren’t you going?”

“ROLL D*MM*T”

“Why the h*ll do you weigh so much?”

“Why? aren’t. you… oh wait, neutral, got it”

“Down, down, down, down…”

*vacuum chokes on rug*

“Too much! Calm down, I didn’t mean to suffocate you with the rug”

*pops the head up a level so it can breathe*

“Freaking need a license to run the vacuum”

“Let go of the rug. Let. Go. Of the. Rug”

“Fine! Eat the rug, see if I care!”

*bangs wall* 

“Oops sorry.” 

*bangs it again* 

“Sorry, again.”

“How do I…”

“Ooh that spins”

“Does that move?” *clanking noise* “sh*t, yes it does”

“Hey Dad… no, no, house is fine, we’re fine… yea, no, hypothetically if I wanted to put the hose on the Kirby… *chorus of okays* …so the whole nose piece DOES come off…”

*waving the hose attachment wildly* “Come at me dust!”

*humming along to the vacuum* 

“rooms gonna be SO clean” 

*more humming* 

“let go of the rug. Unhelpful”

“Oooh I can reach the top of the mirror!!”

*humming*

“Oh. But how do I know when it’s clean?” 

*confused in 5 ft*

“Well that’s between God and the dust mites now”

*accidentally sucks up an earring* “welp…that might as well happen”

*aggressive mocking of the dust bunnies*

*accidentally sucks up pencil* “how even…”

*realizes why you don’t get plaster dust wet* “no it’s fine, I wanted to skim coat my entire floor”

*realizes I did the same thing to the desk* “…uuuhhhhmmm, welp….”

*panic kicks in and a mad dash is made to the kitchen for paper towels* “sh*t, sh*t, sh*t,sh*t…”

*aggressively mocks the plaster dust*

*bangs into wall* “okay, look, that one was partially on you” *bangs wall again* “okay, that one was me”

“I wonder…”

*pops Kirby into neutral whilst vacuuming and now can gently pull the body along while vacuuming with the hose*

“H*ll yes, just a genius over here”

*trips over rug the Kirby pulled along with it*

“Nope nevermind, just your garden variety idiot”

“Down, down, down, down…”

*vacuum chokes on the rug*

“Too much, I get it, I get it”

*accidentally sucks up earbud that mysteriously decided it didn’t wanna do its job anymore* “are you f****g serious?!”

“Hey Dad… no, no, house is still fine, we’re still fine… yea, no, hypothetically if i wanted to pull the bag off the Kirby…” *chorus of okays* “…no, no, gotcha, big mess, makes sense…”

*staring at giant pile of gross on the floor* 

“a smarter human would have put cardboard down”

*disappointed sighing*

“But, we are not the smarter humans”

“Seriously, stop eating my rugs, you’re a 22 year old vacuum, you know better.”

Okay, I know it’s not the normal content, but I really did laugh at the fact my brother was so amused at my conversation with the vacuum, and I wanted to share something a little lighthearted since this time of year can be stressful. I can’t share the actual recordings because my sweet brother is a little self conscious of his adorable laugh, and he’s laughing at me through the whole recording.

Second point to note, I absolutely adore the Kirby, not sponsored or anything, but that vacuum is a workhorse and very versatile, and almost as old as I am with a way better work ethic. It’s just a little big and unwieldy for someone of my size (remember I stopped growing in the seventh grade). 

Until we chat again my friends!

The Kirby in question

Author:

Software Engineer by day, part-time farmer, blogger, and critter keeper by night! Fueled on Faith, Family, and French Fries

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